Turmoil
by IrisCandy
Summary: It's been 3 days since Campbell's fall from the catwalk. When Cam feels he's losing his battles with his depression and anxiety, he starts to wonder whether telling Maya is the right thing to do. Maya is overcome by guilt and worry when she notices a dramatic change in Cam and has plenty of suspicions as to what is bothering him. (A multi perspective story focusing on Camaya.)
1. Panic

For 3 days, Campbell Saunders pondered over what he had done on the school catwalk. Conflicted emotions ran through him like wild fire as he stared at the cast that wouldn't have been there if it weren't for his own stupidity.

Was it stupidity? He couldn't be sure. One thing he was sure of was that as he sat in the cafeteria surrounded by friends - real friends - he was happier. No doubt about it. A weight was lifted from his shoulders, yet at the same time, a chunk of his heart was torn with it. He missed hockey. Some part of him deep inside missed the sweet rush of the game and the slaps of his teammates' hands on his back.

But he didn't miss it as much as he had loathed it when he jumped off that catwalk. He knew what he was doing. He knew the consequences.

He also knew the benefits.

"What do you think, Cam?" a voice pulled him from his own thoughts.

"Hm?" he mumbled distractedly before realizing it was Tori who spoke to him.

"What do you think Maya should sing for karaoke tomorrow night?"

At the moment, Cam couldn't care less as to what Maya sung. But she was his girlfriend.

"Um, surprise me."

Tori rolled her eyes and Cam turned to Maya. She didn't seem pissed off at Cam's distracted attitude. Maybe he was always this vacant.

After a while, Maya frowned and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Cam? Are you okay?"

He was surprised at the question, but answered as calmly as he could.

"Fine. Why do you ask?"

"You seem..." Maya faltered and shook her head as if shaking off a thought.

Maya wasn't an idiot. He saw the knowing look on her face when she came to the hospital after his "accident". She knew something was up. Maybe she knew more than Campbell did, really.

Cam turned away, not wanting to let that particular conversation go any farther. He sunk back in to his thoughts, tuning out the others conversations.

He thought of home. The thought almost made him sick, he missed it so much.

What would his family think of him if they knew how he really got his broken arm?

What would they do if they knew the sense of relief Cam felt when he slit his palm on his ice skate?

A sudden urge flooded through him.

That same urge he felt when the press and the reporters attacked him in the locker room. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to turn his mental turmoil to something physical, make it go away.

Make it go away.

"Cam," said Maya firmly.

He hadn't realized he'd been tapping his foot and rubbing his sweaty hands on his jeans. He looked around, slowly coming back to reality.

Maya. Tori. Tristan. Zig.

All sitting there around him and it wasn't enough. Just wasn't enough.

He took a shuddering breath before pushing his chair away.

"I- I have to go," he said quickly before turning to leave the cafeteria, feeling eyes on his back as he walked.

His steps echoed through the empty hallway and he crashed in to the boys washroom, pacing and turning and digging his nails in to his good arm.

Digging his nails harder and harder until it hurt, until it blocked out the thoughts of his sister. Blocked out his Mother's look of disgust and outrage and sadness.

He let go and stared at the 4 crescent moon shapes he'd left on his skin. Deep and red and throbbing.

He closed his eyes and tried to stop the constricting of his chest as the panic began to overwhelm him.

A part of him wished Bianca or someone would come in to the bathroom again.

Tell him it would be okay.

Tell him not to hurt himself like he so badly wanted to do.

He wanted Maya. He wanted to hold her. To tell her everything he felt like an explosion of his inner thoughts that would leave his head forever.

But he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't scare her away.

His one little tie to sanity. His good luck charm. Happiness.

He got up from the bathroom floor where he had ended up, sitting curled against the wall and took a few deep breaths before leaving the room, making sure to cover the marks of his own fingernails on his arm.


	2. Guilt

**Author's Note: Hello fanfictioners! I'm grateful for the reviews so far, so thanks and keep it up! It always motivates me to keep going when I know someone's reading and enjoying :3 Anyways, yeah, I'm a really mean person (like the Degrassi writers) when it comes to Campbell, so you can expect a lot of whump and stress on his part. This is going to be a story alternating between Cam's and Maya's perspective, so here's a really short chapter just to introduce Maya's side. I'll shut up now. Enjoy! :D**

* * *

Maya was happy. She really, really was.

The band was moving along great, she'd been getting insanely good at guitar and writing new songs all the time. Her relationship with Tori couldn't have been better. Tori helped her with fashion choices - which she didn't really mind - and Maya got her advice on her new songs all the time. Well, hers and Tristan's and Campbell's...

Cam. Her boyfriend. She wouldn't want it to be anyone else, yet she couldn't keep telling herself that there wasn't something off about him.

Sometimes it was like he wasn't there. Sometimes it was like _she_ wasn't there. Maya thought that maybe she should be mad about the fact that Cam hasn't been spending much time or attention on her, but she found that there was something deeper there. Something that wasn't Cam's fault.

"I-I have to go," he said, looking pale and distraught. He got up and left the cafeteria without another word.

"What the hell?" Tori exclaimed, mirroring Maya's thoughts. She looked to Maya, obviously searching for answers on Cam's strange behavior.

"I don't know..." said Maya, still craning her neck to look at the doors where Cam had left.

She remembered what she had thought when she walked in to that hospital three days ago. It was crazy, of course. Wasn't it? Yes, it was crazy. But that didn't mean it wasn't possible. That didn't mean it wasn't true. Maya felt a wave of guilt so strong, she swayed a little. She had told Cam he needed a break. She had probably implanted the idea that if got an actual..._break_, than things would be better.

Maybe Cam's _weirdness_ was her fault. Maybe his broken bone was her fault.

She shook her head, as if that would shake the idea away forever.

"You know, you two are acting très weird," said Tristan. "You've always got this... face. That face when something's bothering you. And Cam's in total panic-mode or something." He took a bite of a French fry, still watching Maya.

"We're fine," she lied firmly.

Zig kissed Tori goodbye and got up to leave, which sent a little pang of jealousy in to Maya's stomach. Cam never kisses her goodbye. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch and Maya left as quickly as she could, hoping to catch Cam in the halls. If not, she'd wait for her last class. French class. The only class that Cam shared with her.

She was going to find out what was going on with him once and for all.


	3. Voices

The halls began to flood with chaos as Campbell made his way to his next class. He was stopped by a large, rough hand on his shoulder.

"Ah, Bird Man! How you holding up?"

Once Cam got over the shock of seeing Dallas alone - as in, without being flanked by Luke and the other Ice Hounds- he faked a smile.

"I'm, uh, doing good," he said, casually, as they pushed their way through the sea of high schoolers.

"Yeah, well, we aren't. The Ice Hounds, I mean. You may be a rookie, but you were our star player," said Dallas, shocking Cam even more.

Dallas was usually a jackass, and yet sometimes he almost felt... brotherly to Cam. Like a big brother watching his back.

"Nah, you'll be fine. I'm on the mend anyways," said Cam, waving his cast in Dallas' face. They stopped in front of Campbell's history class, and as Cam made to say goodbye, Dallas blocked his way once more.

"I was thinking. You're still an Ice Hound. So you should come to our warm-up party tonight," said Dallas, shrugging and leaning against the door frame.

"Warm-up party?" Cam asked.

"Yeah. A few drinks to let loose before a big game. You can bring your little girlfriend too if you want. I'll email you the deets,"

"Oh, uh"- "See ya, Bird Man," And with a clap on Cam's shoulder, Dallas took off down the hallway.

Campbell made his way to his seat, and as the teacher rambled on about the war of 1812, Cam's thoughts wandered to Maya. Would he bring her to the party? Would he himself even go to the party? The marks on his good arm gave a weak throb, reminding him of the scene in the bathroom.

Yes, he should probably go. He needed nothing more than to get his thoughts off of his...situations. He needed to get out of his own mind for a bit, and he wouldn't mind hanging with some guys after so much time with Maya and Tori.

He fingered his phone in his pocket, wondering whether to invite her to come with him.

As if subconsciously, he pulled out the phone and hid it behind the desk, away from the teacher's prying eyes.

_Ice Hounds party tonight. Wanna come?_

He sent it with a click of a button and tried to ignore that little nagging voice in his head asking "Will you tell her? Will you show her the truth about your arm? About the cut on your hand? Will you tell her?"

He shook his head and tried to concentrate on the drawling voice of his teacher. But it was no use. As much as he wanted to tell Maya everything, and as much as he knew she could help him through it, he knew he shouldn't. Couldn't. She would look at him like he was insane. Sick. She'd be scared and disgusted at everything he was and everything he'd done.

Maya Matlin was so much to him. He knew that much, even if he wasn't very good at showing it. She was the one and only thing that made his heart feel a little lighter. If he lost her or changed her view of him in the slightest, he didn't know what he'd do.

He didn't want to think about it.

His phone vibrated loudly in his pocket and the teacher stopped mid-sentence to glare his way.

"Sorry. Really sorry about that. I'll turn it off," Cam said, already reaching for it.

_Definitely! Talk about it in French. xo_

His heart skipped a beat at the words and a rush of excitement ran through him.

Or maybe it wasn't excitement.

Maybe it was just pure terrified nerves of what was to come later that night.


	4. Excitement

**Author's Note: Hello everyone! Thank you for your reviews and follows and favorites and...patience! Yes, I know, I haven't updated in a while. A bit of writers block attacked me for the past few days. But I'm back with a new chapter! There's not much action in this one, but there sure will be in the next chapter, so hold on tight! :) I hope it does not disappoint. **

* * *

Ice Hounds party. It didn't really sound like something Maya would be interested in, but she didn't hesitate for a second when Cam asked her to go with him.

It was a date. Sort of. And if it was a sort-of-date, there was a big possibility that Cam might open up to her.

No such luck in French class, however.

"Cam," Maya hissed from across the room. He sat at his table, alone as usual. She wasn't sure why he always did that, but didn't bother to ask. She beckoned him over to sit with her and Tristan. (Tori hadn't come. No doubt, she'd be making out with Zig behind the school).

Cam put up a finger, as if to say "wait a minute", and then went back to his work.

Maya sighed.

"That boy works too hard," said Tristan, twirling his pencil in his fingers.

"No kidding," Maya mumbled.

Eventually – as in, 2 minutes before the class ended - Cam came over to sit beside Maya.

"What's up?"

"We were supposed to talk about the party tonight," said Maya, cheerfully.

Cam looked thoughtful for a moment. "Um, I'll come pick you up at 6? Good?"

"Okie dokes!" Maya had already gotten up to leave when Cam grabbed her arm.

"Hey, um, don't tell Tori, okay? If she found out, she'd probably force us in to wearing matching baby blue or something."

Maya laughed and bent down to give him a peck on the lips. "I won't."

She skipped from the class, letting the pre-party excitement fill her heart. Of course, it wasn't anything fancy and there would most definitely be alcohol involved, but Maya hadn't really gotten over the fact that she had a _boyfriend_.

And parties were always a plus.

As suspected, Maya passed Tori and Zig..._touching _each other by the dumpsters. They saw her pass, pretended they weren't really doing anything and said a quick hello before making her way home as quickly as she could.

Hockey party or not, she still needed something to wear.

"You look excited," said a voice from her bedroom door.

She jumped, startled. It was just Katie.

"I am. Go away," said Maya.

"Woah, I'm not going to _bite _you. Where are you going?" asked Katie, welcoming herself in to Maya's room and sitting on the bed.

Maya sighed. Despite Katie's dislike for hockey jocks, Maya decided that she didn't really need to hide anything from her.

"Campbell invited me to an Ice Hounds party. Happy?"

The moment Maya had said Cam's name, Katie began shaking her head disapprovingly.

"_Maya. _How many times do I have to tell you that that kid is trouble?"

Maya threw the shirt she'd been holding on the bed beside Katie and turned to face her.  
"You don't know him. You don't know anything _about _him. He's not like Drew, okay?"

Katie looked scandalized. She hated when Maya used the D-word. She looked as if she was about to yell at her, but then she softened her face a little.

"It's not just about the fact that he's an Ice Hound. There's something weird about him. _Specifically _him. He doesn't seem right,"

Maya was about to interrupt when Katie lifted a hand to stop her.

"I know I don't know him that well, Maya. But I'm good with people. And I can tell, he's trouble. I just know it. Anyways, have fun with your party."

She threw Maya's shirt at her face and sauntered out of the room.

It hadn't taken long for Maya to choose her outfit. She chose a sparkly skin tight tank top with a pair of skinny jeans. Simple, but not _too _simple as Tori would say.

Cam was right on time. He was on foot. For a moment, Maya was confused, but Cam explained to her that the party was only a 15 minute walk away and that he liked walking.

Maya didn't complain.

A fifteen minute walk with Cam was perfectly fine by her.


	5. Let The Fun Begin

**Author's Note: Wow. I am an awful person. I'm sorry I left all of you hanging with this story. I've just had major writers block with Degrassi fanfiction these days, but I'm back in business. This story should be completed soon. Hope you like the next chapter!**

* * *

The roads were quiet and calm, yet Campbell's heart pounded in his chest. He walked next to Maya in silence, and he could practically feel the excitement and nervousness beaming from her.

He wish he could say he was excited as well.

Truth was, Cam had felt his anxiety acting up all night. Seeing Maya so happy to see him just made it even worse.

If he strained, he could hear the sounds of partying down the street, and it made his heart pump even harder.

"So...Ice Hounds party, huh?" said Maya, obviously trying desperately hard to start a conversation in the awkward silence.

"Yeah. Kinda lame, I know," said Cam.

"Nah. Any excuse to hang out with you is fine by me," said Maya. Cam saw her smile in the dark. He smiled back.

They neared the house. They saw people crowding on the porch of the large house, saw bright lights inside and heard music. The lyrics were muffled, but the beat pounded so hard, it reverberated up through Cam's body.

Cam was so nervous, he thought he might puke. It annoyed him, because he had no actual reason to be nervous at all. But, soon enough, he was on the porch ringing the doorbell to the house.

The door opened to a chorus of yells and pats on the back. He was dragged inside by dozens of hands, and he reached behind him to grab Maya along with him. He heard her laughing, and that made him feel a little less uneasy. He put on a fake smile and greeted everyone.

"How you doing, bird man?" said Dallas as he emerged from the crowd. "And Maya!"

Dallas using Maya's actual name shocked him. But he let it slide.

"Come sit. We've got pizza and stuff," said Dallas. Cam struggled to follow him through the crowds of people. There were a lot more people than he expected to show up to an Ice Hounds party. He felt Maya's hand still sitting in his as he was pulled along. He risked a glance back at her. She looked happy, if a little overwhelmed.

They managed to reach an empty leather couch amidst other occupied furniture. Some kids were making out, other stood in circles with red solo cups, others ran up stairs and yelled and gave piggybacks. It was, for lack of better words, a typical high school house party.

Cam and Maya sat down on the couch together, and Dallas sat on the arm. The other Ice Hounds soon came up to join them, and Cam noticed that everyone was there. The guys were together again, even with Cam's broken arm. Just thinking of his broken arm made him sick. How could he have done that?

_Stop, _he told himself. Thinking of his arm only triggered anxiety. Just once - _one god damned night _- he wanted to go without having a full blown panic attack. He took a deep breath.

He felt Maya squeeze his hand and he looked down at her. She smiled, but Cam could see the concern she was trying to conceal. He must have looked as crappy as he felt.

"So, we were waiting for you guys to get here before we started the real fun," said Dallas, smiling.

The other guys laughed.

Cam swallowed. "Other fun?" he asked.

"Truth or Dare. Emphasis on the dare, cause the possibilities are endless," Luke explained.

_Great, _Cam said to himself. He absent mindedly fingered the scar on his hand, and glanced at Maya again. She looked as if the words _Truth Or Dare _were a nice piece of chocolate cake. To Cam, they were a death sentence.

But, there was no backing out now. They arranged themselves in a circle. Other people at the party came to join in. Cam recognized no one apart from the Ice Hounds.

"Let the fun begin!" Dallas roared and raised his cup of...something alcoholic, no doubt.

His was greeted with cheers and woops and more people joining in. There had to be at least 20 people in the dimly lit room, all arranged in a pitiful example of a circle.

_Let the fun begin, _Cam told himself in his head.


	6. Maya's Truth

**Author's Note: You guys are quick to review! Thank you. I decided I will be updating as much as I can today, because I know I left for a long time. I'm really very sorry about that. Here's another chapter. Another should be up soon!**

* * *

"So, Oscar. Truth or dare?" asked Dallas.

"Truth."

"Pussy!" someone screamed. The crowd laughed.

"How many girls have you slept with in the past year?" asked Dallas. The circle of kids looked at the boy, Oscar, expectantly.

"Three. Swear to God," Oscar answered. He took a sip of his beer and moved on to the next person.

Maya sat next to Campbell in the Truth or Dare circle, awaiting her question. She was terrified as to what it was, but she found herself feeling alive and excited tonight, hanging out with all these new, older people. They welcomed her in, as if she wasn't a scrawny, flat-chested, four-eyed freshman. She guessed she had Cam to thank for that.

She looked up at him. He looked strange. Stranger than usual. Maya couldn't shake the feeling that something was very wrong with him lately. The way he suddenly broke his arm, and the cut on his hand, and his reluctance to do anything social. It was all very suspicious.

"Okay. Cam," said Dallas. Cam looked startled, and his face turned an even paler shade. Maya squeezed his hand in encouragement, and he smiled back at her, making her melt a little like she always did when he smiled at her.

"Truth or Dare?"

"Dare?" said Cam, reluctant as usual.

"Okay. Make out with your girlfriend. Now." The crowd responded with woops of encouragement and cat calls.

Maya and Cam hadn't really had a _make out session. _They'd kissed, sure. But those were sweet, innocent little kisses and they were-

Maya's thoughts were interrupted when she felt Cam press his lips to hers and she responded with such enthusiasm that she grabbed his face and he grabbed her waist and soon they were kissing hard and passionate and it was so wonderful Maya almost felt light-headed. She drowned out the sounds of applause and enjoyed the moment, which seemed to last forever. She needed to breathe, but then she realized that she'd rather suffocate than pull away from him right then.

He pulled away first, and they shared a look, as if saying _whoa. _The noises of the circle came flooding to her ears right then, and they were very impressed.

"_Oh-kay _then, big boy," said Dallas, half-laughing. "Next!"

She looked back at Cam as the game continued on, and was pleased to see the color returning to his face, and his smile looking a little more real than usual. They were so busy looking at each other that Maya didn't even hear her name when it was called until the second time.

"_Maya Matlin," _Dallas yelled.

"Oh!" said Maya, coming to her senses. "Um, yeah, truth, please."

"What do you think of the great Campbell Saunders?" asked someone from the crowd. Dallas nodded in approval of the question.

Maya was caught off guard by the question , her brain still jumbled by the kiss. What could she possibly say about him?

"Well, he's a really good kisser for one," said Maya. She was pleased to hear the crowd laugh at that. Cam grinned, embarassed. "And he's, like, the sweetest guy ever. And I think we can all say he's awesome at hockey. He's really honest with me, unlike other douche bags...and, well, yeah," she ended lamely.

She glanced at Cam, who wasn't smiling anymore. In fact, he looked pained at Maya's words, and Maya wondered what she could have said that caused him to look so _pale. _The crowd was cheering again. When they moved on to another person, Maya tried to get Cam's attention.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked softly.

Cam nodded, but he obviously wasn't. He looked to have trouble catching his breath. He bowed his head and Maya could see sweat beading on his forehead.

"_Shit," _she heard him whisper.

"Cam?" she asked, putting her hand on his arm. But he ignored her. He got up from his spot on the couch and pushed through the people of the circle. Maya wondered if she should go after him.

Something was very wrong. She got up to follow him, ignoring the eyes that followed her.

"Cam!" she yelled on the way, trying to find him through the people and the music. "Cam!"

She spotted him going out the back door, where a taped sign said _off limits. _She ran over to the door and went out after him.

She saw him. He was pacing around the small, squared backyard, clutching at his head, not able to breathe. As she watched, he dropped to his knees in the grass and grabbed his stomach.

"Cam?" Maya tried to yell, but it came out as a pained whisper.

* * *

**Author's Note: Poor Cam! There will be lots of Cam!whump next. Enjoy.**


	7. Breakdown

His ears were ringing. He swore that someone was calling his name, but he heard nothing as he dropped in the grass. He clutched at his stomach, willing himself to breathe, but he couldn't - he couldn't breathe. He couldn't stop the sobs that started to come from him, and he didn't care who saw. He didn't know where he was. _Where am I? Can't breathe. Can't breathe._

"Cam?" someone was saying. Someone had their hand on his arm.

His god damned arm.

_Just do it. Do it. _He remembered telling himself when he sat on that ledge. And then he fell and there was a breeze and then crippling pain in his stupid, stupid arm.

He needed to hurt. To hurt, so he can breathe. He dug his fingernails in to his arm, he didn't care who was watching.

"Can't...breathe..." Cam said. He wasn't sure if he said it out loud. He only hoped that someone could help him.

He gasped and he gasped and he sobbed and he scratched. Someone was grabbing his hand.

"Cam! Stop! It's okay," she said. And then Maya's face was close to his and she was kneeling in the grass with him and her eyes were watering and she looked so scared. He gasped once more, and one small breath came out as he looked at her face. Just her face. This is Maya.

He thought of kissing her, and how she was there at the hospital with him. She was always there for him. He sung karaoke with her.

He took another breath. Soon enough, he was breathing again, just enough to keep him alive. He could only see her blurred figure through the tears in his eyes, but he knew she was there.

He hugged her. He buried his face in to her shoulder and she hugged him back, tightly. He sobbed in to her shoulder, suddenly wanting to die. To just die right there, in her arms, and never have to feel this way again. The smell of her hair comforted him and he tried to control the shaking of his whole body as she held him.

He felt trapped. Everywhere he went, he was anticipating anxiety, scared of what was to come. He didn't know what to do with himself. Too much to do, not enough to do. Homesick, yet doesn't want to go home. He felt alone, yet he knew he wasn't. He was scared. Scared of everything and nothing at all.

"Maya," he whispered, just wanting to say her name.

"Yeah, Cam, I'm here," she said, and she hugged him tighter and let him cry. He remembered what Bianca said to him when he was crying in the girls' bathroom.

_"High school sucks, kid. Hang out with people who don't." _

And that's exactly what he did. He tried and he tried and he's still not happy. For god's sake, he broke his arm to be happy.

He pulled away from Maya after what seemed like hours. The tears still came, but silently.

Then, realization hit him. He would have to explain everything to Maya now. He couldn't lie anymore, after she'd seen all of that. Soon, she would probably be to scared and outraged and disgusted to even think of being his girlfriend anymore.

She was looking at him, scared and concerned and just overall confused.

"I'm sorry," Cam said, as he wiped his tears. He wasn't sure why he was apologizing, but it just felt right to say it. He breathed in the air of the outdoors, looking for some kind of comfort, but he felt empty. He felt so empty and cold as he kneeled down in the grass. He wanted nothing more than to lay down and stay there.

"It's okay. It's okay, Cam. What...are you okay?" she asked.

Cam covered the fresh marks on his arm from his fingernails. It was bleeding. His hands trembled and he felt light-headed. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep himself from sobbing once more. He decided the time for lies was over, so he shook his head no.

_No, Maya. I'm not okay._

* * *

**Author's Note: This is the last update for today, but I can promise you that I won't be gone for as long as I was before. Hope you enjoyed this quick little chapter!**


	8. Drowning

Maya tried her best to hide it, but she was terrified. Terrified by what she had seen and what it meant.

When Cam had calmed down, they decided they'd better quietly leave the party through the backyard's gate. Maya desperately wanted some kind of an explanation for her boyfriend's sudden panic attack, but at the same time, she knew the truth would not be pleasant.

She had suspected from the beginning that something was wrong with the boy, but she thought that he was getting better. She thought, maybe it was just homesickness.

But this? This was not homesickness.

The two of them walked through the night in absolute silence, far away from the party.

"Where should we go?" Maya whispered. She held Cam's hand as they walked, but as she glanced at his face, she knew a simple hand-holding could never fix him.

"Somewhere private," he said. His voice was barely audible.

Maya knew just the place. She guided him along the quiet neighborhood roads before they reached an abandoned park. The only light in the park was a dim streetlamp over top of a bench, but other than that, there were only eerie silhouettes of swing sets and slides.

They sat at the bench. The streetlamp lit up their faces, and Cam looked pale in the yellow light. Maya felt sick with the anticipation of Cam's explanation.

"I'm sorry," Cam whispered. Then he cleared his throat. "Maya, I'm so sorry,"

Maya shook her head the moment she heard the words. "No, Cam. There's nothing for you to be sorry about. Just...please, tell me. Tell me the truth."

Cam just stared at her, his forehead wrinkled as if he was in pain. Then he stared at his feet for several moments. Maya didn't interrupt.

After a while, he lifted his head, took a breath and began;

"I thought I was okay. I met you, and I met Tristan and Zig and Tori...all of you guys. I thought I was fine," he said, staring in to the darkness ahead of him. "But I'm not, and I can't control it and"-

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Maya put her hand on his thigh.

"What? What can't you control?"

He took another deep breath. "This constant...anxiety! Everywhere I turn it's the same bullshit and I just...I'm drowning. And I want it to end. I try so hard, all the time and it doesn't do any good. I feel like I'm trapped here."

Maya didn't say anything, yet a question still pressed down on her mind as she stared at the blue cast on his arm.

"I did it on purpose. I did it."

"What?" asked Maya, her voice breaking. The question was pointless - she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I jumped off the catwalk to get out of hockey," he said. Then he looked at her, and she could see real, raw pain in his eyes and saw for the first time just how broken he was. "I'm insane, Maya."

"You're not, Cam. You're not insane. Everyone can feel this way"-

"No, Maya! No, you're not getting me!" he yelled, suddenly angry. Maya could see he was trying to control it, but she didn't mind. She let him get it out. "No one feels this way. When someone is sad, they don't jump off a building. When they're sad, they don't dig their fingernails in to their arm until they bleed. Maya, they just don't."

Maya swallowed the painful lump that was beginning to form in her throat. She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't understand, and all she could do was sit there and apologize for things she didn't do and help him the best she could. But her best wasn't enough.

Fresh tears were pooling in Cam's eyes and he put his head in his hands.

"I couldn't go to hockey practice. I step in to the damn change room and have panic attacks - worse than the one I had back there. Every day, I sit in class anticipating another one. I miss home, but I don't want to go back. I don't know what I want. I just"-

His voice caught in his throat and he couldn't continue. Maya wanted desperately to comfort him - to do _anything _to help him. But she was utterly powerless.

"What if..." Maya started, but she trailed off, rethinking it. But maybe it would help. "What if you told Dallas. Or, any of your other hockey buddies."

Cam lifted his head and looked at Maya, incredulous. "Dallas? What the hell would I tell the _hockey team_. They'd call me gay and then look the other way. That's all. There's no one I can go to."

"There's me," Maya suggested.

Cam gave a short laugh. "I think I already have come to you, Maya. And I'm glad you're here, really, I am. But you can't help me."

Maya felt another pang of helplessness at the words. "Tell me how! Tell me how to help you and I will."

Cam just shook his head and sniffed. Then he got up from the bench. "Can you get home safely?"

"What? Yeah, I think so. But, Cam"-

"I have to go, Maya. I'll...I'll see you at school."

And just like that, he was gone.

* * *

Maya walked through her front door after a short bus ride. Katie stood in the kitchen, leaning against the fridge eating a yogurt. She smirked as Maya walked in to the room, probably looking awful.

"Rough night?"

"Shut up, Katie," Maya snapped.

She was just about to make her way upstairs when Katie blocked her way.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? What is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said Maya, trying to get past her.

Katie put a hand on her shoulder and Maya was forced to look up at her. Maya didn't need a mirror to know that she had runny mascara smeared under her eyes.

"Maya, what happened?"

"I just"-

Maya stopped mid-sentence, rethinking what she was about to say. After all, it wasn't really her right to talk about Cam's problems.

"I don't want to talk about it."

With that, she forcefully pushed past Katie and made her way upstairs to her bedroom, worrying about nothing but Cam.


	9. Rumors

**Author's Note: Thank you all again for your lovely reviews! I hope you're as excited as I am for the February premiere of Degrassi! Anyways, in this chapter, you'll really get a feel for how bad Cam's anxiety really is. My poor baby! D: But I hope you all enjoy.**

* * *

Having a mental breakdown doesn't really pass as a get-out-of-school-free card, unfortunately. Cam went to school the morning after the party knowing full well that he wouldn't last the day. But, parents are parents whether they're just temporary or not, and the Clarksons weren't willing to let Cam skip a single second of sophomore year.

Why did the Ice Hounds throw a party on a Tuesday anyways?

Cam wished that he would snap out of his numb state and start feeling guilty about giving Maya the cold shoulder the night before, but he didn't. Considering everything he was going through, he didn't think it was out of the ordinary for him to need some space.

He realized Maya was only trying to help, but he was ashamed. He never wanted Maya to find out about his problems like she had the night before, and he certainly didn't want her hovering around like a concerned mother everywhere he went.

After trying so hard to feel better and be a good boyfriend, everything came crashing down in that backyard, and Cam would give anything to go back and slap himself in the face for letting his guard down so easily.

It was Maya's words in the Truth Or Dare circle that triggered his panic attack. The moment she had started talking about what an honest, caring boyfriend he was, Cam couldn't take it any longer. The truth was, he had been lying to her the whole time about his arm, the cut on his hand, his true feelings about being at Degrassi. Everything. Lies.

And now she knew. She was his rock that he could always lean on to get his mind off things, but last night that rock had crumbled. Maya Matlin would never look at Campbell Saunders the same way ever again.

* * *

Cam made his way to class as he usually did, but he kept his head down as he pushed through the school's hallways. There would certainly be tons of questions and rumors about his behavior last night, and he wasn't in the mood for answering to any of them.

But he couldn't avoid them forever.

"Hey, Saunders!"

Cam recognized the voice of Owen Milligan. His heart leapt in his chest at the words, but he kept walking towards his locker hoping that Owen would fade away with the oncoming current of high school students.

"Saunders!" He called again. Cam pretended not to hear, but his heart began to beat ever faster.

As Cam arrived at his locker and began to fumble with his combination, Owen swaggered in to view with a perpetually smirking Luke Baker at his side. Somewhere deep inside, Cam had sort of hoped it would be Dallas who arrived with Owen. If he were ever to talk to an Ice Hound about his personal problems - though he would never do it willingly - it would be with Mike Dallas.

"Bird Man! We missed you at the party last night. Where'd you disappear to?" Luke bantered.

Cam finally opened his locker and occupied himself, fidgeting with the books and binders inside as he tried not to reach his teammates' eyes.

"I was...uh, family emergency."

Cam realized it was a stupid excuse the moment he said it. His family was miles away back in Kapuskasing, and he was pretty sure his billet family wouldn't need his help.

"Uh huh," Luke responds, skeptical.

Cam jumped as the bell rang, startling him, but a rush of relief went through his veins at the sound. Saved by the bell.

"A little jumpy there, Saunders?" Owen asked, one eyebrow raised and a smirk beginning to play on his face. He slammed a hand against the lockers, startling Cam once more. The two boys laughed.

Luke and Owen were always two of the guys who never really adjusted well to Cam being on the team. Owen may be somewhat friends with Maya, but he was pissed off right from the start when he saw that Cam became a higher ranked player than he was, and Luke was just a straight up ass.

Cam shut his locker and looked the two boys in the eye for the first time. He faked a small smile effortlessly, since he had plenty of practice. "Yeah, uh, sorry I left the party so early. It's confusing. Anyways gotta get to class so..."

He ran a hand awkwardly through his hair before pushing between them and making his way down the hallway.

But that wasn't the end of their confrontation. Even with the noise of high school kids bustling around, Cam still heard Luke yell back at him.

"There's something up with you, kid. And we're gonna find out what it is!"

Luke's words made the blood drain from Cam's face as he pushed through the dispersing crowds. Did they think he was on drugs? Steroids? Why do they care so much? _They're probably just messing with you_, he told himself. The thought was comforting, and he let it take hold of his mind, but something still felt off about the situation.

_"We're gonna find out what it is!" _

Cam found himself having trouble swallowing. His mouth and throat were dry as paper. He wished more than anything that people would just forget about what happened last night. _Please, _he begged silently. _Please just leave me alone. _

Before he entered his first period class, memories of the party flashed through his head. He tried to get a good idea of how many people made an appearance there - and how many people he would have to avoid. By the looks of things, there were hundreds of kids at that party who could have seen him. Freshmen, sophomores, juniors, seniors. Everyone.

So he braced himself as he turned a corner and walked in to his classroom.

Only a few people noticed him enter, but those who did had a knowing look in their eye. Some made subtle pointing gestures or whispered with their friends. Cam had no idea what rumors were floating around about him, but he knew that none of them would be good. Maybe they thought he was a psychopath. Or a junkie.

Or maybe they put the pieces together on their own and came up with the conclusion that Campbell Saunders was nothing but a mental case with an anxiety disorder and a self-inflicted broken arm.

Now, that wasn't a rumor at all. That was the truth.


	10. Worry

**Author's Note: Thank you all for your patience and reviews! Here's another chapter for you all. I hope I'm still meeting your expectations!**

* * *

Maya could have sworn that she caught a glimpse of Cam in the school hallways the morning after the party, but even so, she couldn't concentrate on anything at all. She fidgeted with anything she could get her hands on and she found herself repeatedly staring at the clock.

"Maya?" a voice pulled her from her thoughts. She realized that she was still sitting in English – her first period class. No, that couldn't be. She needed to see him _now_.

"Hm? Yes – uh, yeah?" she stammered, realizing that her teacher must have asked her a question.

Her teacher straightened, her mouth pressed in to a tight line.

"Maya, do you need a hall pass?" she asked.

"No"-

She paused. Maybe a hall pass was a good idea. "Yes, please."

The teacher nodded, her eyes simultaneously filled with annoyance and concern. She made her way over to her desk and handed her a hall pass, which Maya grabbed rather eagerly. She walked calmly from the room, ignoring her classmates' smirks.

Degrassi's halls were deserted, and this had a somewhat calming effect on Maya's scattered mind. She was worried sick, and she had the right to be – but what kind of boyfriend loves a clingy, overprotective sideshow of a girlfriend? Then again, Cam obviously needed someone to worry about him right about now.

She had tried to convince herself that Cam was having a normal teenage breakdown, but she couldn't lie to herself anymore. His behaviour wasn't normal _at all_, and something had to be done.

Cam had explicitly told her that the Ice Hounds wouldn't care about any of Cam's problems. He was certain that they would laugh at him. But something about his words told Maya that that wasn't entirely the truth, and that Cam was just too embarrassed to speak to them.

Maybe he wasn't the one that should speak to them.

A thought suddenly occurred to Maya, and she knew that this decision would almost certainly risk her relationship.

But how could she care about her _relationship_ at a time like this? How could she be so utterly selfish? Of course Cam's health and overall well-being was more important than her damned relationship, and she was going to do whatever it took to keep him safe.

She pulled out her phone and sent a quick message to Tristan, hoping he could manage to get a hall pass. She stood rigid against a random locker by the girl's bathroom when Tristan finally came around the corner. Recognition lit up on his features when he saw her, but it immediately morphed in to concern.

"Maya. What is it?" he asked, making his way over to her side.

Maya's insides were twisted up in confliction. She felt so wrong talking about Cam's personal problems without his permission, but she knew it needed to be done. She took a deep breath.

"I need you to get Owen to meet with me with some of the Ice Hounds. Preferably the guys who are closer to Cam. And I need it to be soon. You _need _to convince them, Tristan"-

"Whoa, whoa. Maya, _what _are you talking about?" Tristan asked, his brow furrowed in confusion. He folded his arms over his chest, expectant.

Maya looked at him pleadingly, hoping he wouldn't make her explain. But of course Tristan – King of Gossip – wouldn't simply drop a subject like that.

"Cam's in trouble. I really...I can't tell you exactly _why_. But I don't know who else to turn to, and I think the hockey team could help. If you could just ask your brother and his friends to meet with me, maybe I could help him."

At the word _trouble_, Tristan dropped his arms and tilted his head to the side. He was even more confused than before. Maya screamed internally. How could she _possibly_ explain this properly?

"_Please, _Tristan," she pleaded. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes in spite of herself.

Tristan looked horrified, and Maya was immediately sorry for involving her friend, but she just couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Okay. It's okay, Maya, don't cry. I'll get the guys together tonight somehow, and you can tell them," he said, his voice comforting. He seemed desperate to know more – to understand why Maya was so distressed – but the words died in his throat.

"Thank you," Maya whispered. She wiped the tears with the back of her hand, annoyed with herself. She needed to stay strong – for everyone's sake.

When she and Tristan parted ways, Maya couldn't resist the urge to walk by Cam's classroom. They had exchanged schedules, just in case they needed an emergency make out session.

It was a joke, of course, but Maya smiled at the thought. The smile didn't last long. The overprotective girlfriend was already starting to emerge, but through the years, Maya had learned that she really didn't have any self-restraint.

She made her way down two hallways when she finally found room 213. She didn't linger, but she did manage to see him.

There he was. He sat in the back of the classroom, leaning his head on one of his hands. Thankfully, he looked bored, but calm. The sight gave Maya some peace of mind, and she made her way back to her own classroom.

Her whole body tingled with the anticipation and dread of the Ice Hounds meeting, but she couldn't shake the awful guilt that threatened to overwhelm her.

She was doing the right thing. Of course she was.

Right?


	11. Shame

**Author's Note: SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LATEST EPISODES. I know it's been a long time! A ****_very_**** long time. If you've been watching Degrassi lately, then you'll know that we've lost a truly memorable and beautiful character - Campbell Saunders. This is the main reason why I haven't written in a while, because he was my favorite character and it was a little hard to keep him alive when I knew I wouldn't see him again. But I knew that I needed to wrap up this story for you guys, so I've come back hoping that you will all understand and are still interested in this story. Thank you for your continued support and patience! I promise this story will be concluded soon.**

* * *

Tristan had kept his promise.

Soon enough, Maya was sitting on a large chair in his basement in front of a couch full of hockey players.

To say she was nervous was to say the least. She was intimidated and scared - but she was also determined. Cam needed to be saved, and if this was the answer, there was no hesitation allowed on her part.

When the guys had settled down, they looked at her a bit skeptically and mocking, but Maya kept her composure.

"Thank you all for coming," said Maya. She knew it was a lame starter, but the boys didn't interject, so she got right down to it. "I've asked to talk to you guys because...well, I'm worried about Cam."

Owen gave a little snort. "_That's _what this is about?" He twisted around in his seat and called up the stairs. "Hey, Tristan, I thought you said this was _important_!"

Tristan, of course, didn't reply. He had reluctantly promised Maya that he wouldn't eavesdrop, even if this _was_ his own house. Maya swallowed nervously at Owen's comment.

"Listen, Maya, if you're really that worried about the Rookie, we'll make sure we get him a pair of bodyguards to keep him from falling off the catwalk again," Dallas chimed in.

He and the team started laughing. Maya felt anger stir inside her at the laughs. She swallowed and elaborated, needing to keep the boys' attention.

"Stop," she said, a little less forceful than she would have liked. The boys settled a little, but they still sent smirks her way. "No, that's not what this is about. Look, I- I didn't know who else to turn to."

This statement seemed to wake something in Dallas. His smile faded, though the rest of the team remained uninterested. Maya decided to keep her eyes locked on Dallas's, who seemed to shift in his chair a little.

"There's something going on with him that I can't keep to myself any longer. He's always been shy - I'm sure you've noticed that. But this...this is different. He's constantly depressed and..."

Maya faltered. Should she really tell them this? Should she really be bringing it up?

_Do it, Maya, _said the voice in the back of her mind. She steeled herself, focusing on Dallas. "All these cuts he's got on his hands and arms...the constant figeting...and now this broken arm. It doesn't seem to be"-

"Matlin, the guy's a _hockey player_. He's lucky he's only got a cut or two," Luke intervened.

"No, _stop, _that's not what I'm _saying_," said Maya, getting even angrier now.

"Are you saying you think he's doing it to himself?" said Dallas. His tone attracted all of the hockey players' eyes, as there was no skepticism behind his voice. Maya felt hope and relief swell inside of her.

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure of it," said Maya. She waited for a response.

No one was smiling now.

"That's ridiculous. Come on, he's not a sissy," said Luke after a while. Maya glared at him.

"Sissy? You think this is _sissy_?" asked Maya. The heat behind her voice surprised even her.

"Maya, don't listen to him. But...it is a little hard to believe," said Dallas.

Maya took a deep breath. "I know. I know it's a lot to take in. But at the party the other night, he just...lost it. He went crazy. He wouldn't tell me about it afterwards, but what was I supposed to think? He was digging his nails in to himself. All of his injuries seem to, like, connect. He's always leaving three times a class for no reason. He's"-

"Okay, so say that he is doing this to himself. What are we supposed to do about it?" said an Ice Hound that Maya knew by the name of Bo.

Maya hadn't really prepared herself for that question. What was she expecting them to do? Why did she even call this meeting in the first place.

"I just thought, maybe you could look after him, you know? Or talk to him. Sometimes I think he looks at me like I'm his Mother or something. I just don't want him to think of me like...overprotective or something."

Luke scoffed.

"Luke, shut up. She's obviously telling the truth, and if you say you don't notice something up about Cam, then you're lying," Dallas interjected. He turned back to Maya. "I'm down to help, but Bo's right. There isn't much we can do about it besides lay off of him a bit during practice."

"Lay off of him? Dude, the guy shouldn't be getting _special treatment. _We have to go through the Coach's crap every single day just as much as he does," said Owen.

Maya stood up from her chair in a rage, almost knocking it backwards. "If you don't want to help, fine. Whatever. But you have no one to blame but yourself if one day Cam wakes up and decides to kill himself."

She regretted the words the moment she said them. Her hands flew to her mouth. _How could you think something like that? How could you even dare-? _ She sat back down slowly, her hands still pressed to her mouth. She felt tears burning behind her eyes.

Her words had caused the whole team to go pale.

They sat in silence for a bit, until the sound of a door slamming reached their ears. Tristan came storming down the basement stairs.

"I'm sorry Maya, I'm really sorry," Tristan said in a rush.

Maya stood up. "What? What happened?"

Tristan looked so incredibly ashamed, Maya's stomach turned to ice at the sight.

Seconds later, Campbell Saunders came down the stairs.

"What the hell is this?" he said. He held his phone in one hand and he looked flushed, like he'd just come a long way. He looked furious as he scanned the room and saw his team members. Maya could feel sweat beading on her palms.

"You _told him_?" Maya hissed at Tristan.

"It's just...he said you weren't answering your phone and I didn't know what to say...it just sort of slipped out."

Maya ignored him and turned to Cam. "Cam..."

"What _is this_? You're all having some secret meeting about me? Is that it?" he asked. He made no effort to hide the anger behind his voice. Maya had never seen him this way. This was worse than the time he had yelled at her about her stunt on Facerange the first time they met. This was deep-rooted and personal for him, and that terrified her.

Dallas got to his feet. "Maya was just trying to help, man."

"Help with what?" Cam was shouting now.

Maya took a deep breath and stepped closer to Cam at the foot of the stairs. "I just want to help you, Cam. You're obviously struggling with something"-

"I'm not _struggling _with anything, and even if I was, it would be _none of your business_."

Cam's words cut like a knife, and yet she wasn't angry with him. In fact - though she would never admit it - she seemed to pity him even more as he screamed at her. Obviously, since he was in denial, his..._condition _was worse than anything she could have imagined.

"Look, I think you all better go now," Owen intervened. It was, after all, his house.

Cam scoffed at Maya and made his way up the stairs. Maya ran after him, but he was already out the door.

And to think she had felt hopeful only moments before.


	12. Anger

**Author's Note: Wow, you guys are awesome. All your kind reviews made me want to keep on writing. And so, here's another chapter for you! Beware, it's pretty darn emotional. **

* * *

Betrayed. That was the best word to describe how he felt.

Betrayed, hurt, foolish.

Campbell was lying in his temporary room on his temporary bed in his temporary house - because that's what his life was at Degrassi, right? Temporary?

Cam did not have to attend that meeting to know that Maya had talked about how _worried _she was and how _messed up _Cam was. To the _hockey team. _The _Ice Hounds. _As if Cam's life hadn't already hit the deep end of hell, now he was going to have to endure taunts about his smothering girlfriend and his own weakness at each and every hockey practice.

Because those weren't bad enough already.

He had been staring at the ceiling for hours, feeling his phone vibrate at _least _every 10 minutes. He wouldn't talk to Maya, because she had no right. No right to spill his personal problems to the last people on earth that he'd want to spill his problems to.

Suddenly a thought occurred to him. His blood ran cold and he bolted upright on his bed. Cam knew for a long time that Maya suspected the real cause of his broken arm, and the real reason he had a cut on his hand. On his arms. Everywhere. She knew it, and he knew it, and what if...

No, she wouldn't have. She wouldn't have told them _that_.

But somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that if she had gone as far as making a meeting with the hockey team, than she wouldn't hesitate to tell them her suspicions.

Cam couldn't stop the boiling, burning anger that began to form in his stomach. It moved through him like a writhing animal. It was as if the room collapsed around him as he grabbed the lamp off his bedside table and threw it across the room. It shattered against the wall with a noise like the end of the world.

He had no tears. He had no sadness, no anxiety, no worries whatsoever. What he felt was _rage_. Rage at everyone. Rage at Maya. At Tristan. At the hockey team. At his family. At Degrassi itself. At the whole goddamned world.

But most of all, he wanted nothing more than to punish himself. He knew that all these people, all these things he thought angered him were obstacles blocking the real, raw truth that he _hated _himself. He hated himself and he felt it in the trembling of his hands, the squeezing of his heart, the sweat on his forehead and the shattered bones in his arm.

He kicked his bed with strength that he never knew he had. He felt a sharp, throbbing pain move through his foot and he cried out in pain and passion. _Yes. Yes, you deserve it, you stupid coward. You stupid, stupid idiot. _

He could hear nothing but the blood pumping between his ears. As the anger subsided a little, he felt the strangest urge to laugh, but instead what he got was some strangled noise between a laugh and a sob. _My God, there is something so deeply wrong inside of me._

He turned his head to where the lamp lay in pieces on the floor. Glass everywhere. Sharp, sharp glass. But no, he didn't use it. In fact, many things happened at that moment.

First, his billet mom came in to the room with a shocked look on her face, her arms stretched wide and begging for an explanation of all the noise. Then his phone vibrated. And lastly, his iPad made a noise that told him his family was on Skype.

He blatantly ignored his billet mom and the fact that his family was trying to reach him. He only grabbed his phone, chucked it in to the pile of glass and lamp and left the room with his fists in his pockets.

The fresh air might have felt nice on his flushed face in different circumstances, but he felt numb. He had almost forgotten why he was mad in the first place. He walked out of the house and down the street that still wasn't entirely familiar to him. He passed kids in the park, yelling and laughing happily.

He was like that once. A really, really long time ago.

Cam's head was an empty vessel that seemed to have given up. He let his feet take him wherever they pleased.

And for some reason, they were taking him towards Degrassi.

* * *

Maya was conflicted and overwhelmed with guilt. She had left Tristan's house in a desperate panic, searching for Cam so that she could _explain. _She had almost gotten run over by a truck on her walk back home, as her face was buried in her phone. Her fingers typed but she couldn't quite get them to say what she felt.

How could she possibly say how she felt?

Her selfish mind feared that he would break up with her. But deeper, in the back of her mind, she feared something far worse than a break up. Where was Cam? What was he doing?

She texted some more.

_Please, Cam. Meet me somewhere. Please. _

_I need you. _

_Let me explain, Cam. _

_I didn't know what else to do. _

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. _

_Cam, please. _

She tried calling him but it went to voicemail every time. She was nearing a bench and the sight of it made her realize how much she was shaking. Her legs turned to jelly beneath her and she sat, her forehead pressed to her phone as if willing it to ring.

Maya couldn't go home and face her family. They'd notice. They'd notice that she did something terrible.

_Did I? Did I really do something terrible? _

This was where her confliction came in to play. She knew Cam was more furious and more upset than he had ever been, and she knew why. But then again, she thought she was doing the right thing. She thought he would appreciate it.

She thought he would be happier.

And so, with her brain drowning in her own personal turmoil and knowing she couldn't go home, she decided to make her way towards the place that had become her second home. She made her way towards Degrassi.


	13. No Words

There were no words to describe how Cam felt as he continued to walk towards Degrassi. There was a pain inside him so horrible, it was impossible to believe that there was no physical cause. How is it that there wasn't really a knife being twisted in his heart? A ball of fire burning in his throat? A sick acid eating through his stomach?

Why were people built to feel so awful inside that they would want to end their own lives?

It wasn't fair. The anger he had felt in his bedroom was gradually coming back to him. People smiled at him as they passed by, and he had to ball his fists to avoid strangling them all.

But he was almost at Degrassi.

Why the hell was he going to Degrassi?

He saw the school come in to view, and the whole goddamned building made tears burn behind his eyes. He stood there in the parking lot and stared at it, squinting through his furious tears. God, how he hated this place. This place, the cause of all the shit he had to deal with.

Where he was forced to play hockey. Where he so stupidly let Maya in to his world. Where the catwalk still remained, invisible and unimportant to everyone who walked below it, and yet still made Cam's heart tighten when he saw it.

He walked toward the front steps, shaking with the urge to slam his fist in to the brick walls like it would come crashing down around him.

"Cam!"

He thought he heard Maya's voice, and he laughed to himself. He was definitely insane now. Hearing voices. Wanting to punch buildings.

Campbell Saunders, Toronto hockey star, finally fell off the wagon.

"Cam!" Maya yelled again. A lot louder this time.

Cam still walked up the front steps until he reached the door. Then he pressed his back against it and slid down until he sat, staring out in to the parking lot. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees.

Suddenly he was freezing. He could feel tears drying on his cheeks, pointless and sticky. Sometimes he still let out a small laugh. Sometimes he felt himself drifting off, forgetting where he was.

He was really, really cold.

"Cam," Maya said, breathless. Her voice was so clear, so near. How could he possibly be hearing her this clearly-

But, no. Suddenly, Maya Matlin - the real one - materialized around the corner and stood at the bottom of the stairs. Her face was flushed and she seemed to be struggling to catch her breath. Cam noticed all of this before turning his face back to the parking lot.

"You didn't answer my texts. I called you Cam, I tried everything and you didn't even bother..." her voice trailed off when she realized he wasn't really listening.

He felt, rather than saw, Maya walk up the stairs towards him. She felt her sit next to him.

They sat there in silence a moment before Maya touched his arm.

Nobody had touched him in what seemed like a very, very long time, and the feel of her fingers on his arm made him flinch and pull away. He noticed her - really noticed her - for the first time.

She looked at him with eyes full of hurt, and a pity that made Cam nauseous. No, he couldn't sit next to her. He couldn't bear to _look _at her. He scrambled up and walked backwards, moving away from her.

He could feel himself trembling. His lips felt like they were purple with cold. He shook so hard, he felt that his teeth might begin to chatter.

_Why...why is it so cold out here?_

Suddenly any sign of pain left Maya's eyes. She looked him up and down and her brow furrowed. The change in her expression was so dramatic, Cam almost began to worry.

"Cam, are you okay?" she asked, barely above a whisper. She began to stand up and walk towards him, but he just backed further away until he was moving down the stairs.

"Please, just let me explain. Just listen," she pleaded, trying to get closer to him. But he could hardly hear her for the sudden emptiness in his stomach, like he hadn't eaten in years and yet he wasn't hungry. His arms trembled and he found he couldn't walk anymore as he doubled over with so much nausea, he might vomit.

This wasn't about Maya anymore. This wasn't about the hockey team. This wasn't about his hatred for Degrassi. This wasn't about his homesickness. This wasn't about his broken arm.

All of that faded from his mind and was replaced with the thought of how much he wanted to die. To stop feeling so awfully empty and cold.

A dry sob escaped his lips as he fell to his knees, right there at the bottom of Degrassi's front steps. Maya was running toward him now and she put her hands on either side of his face, kneeling in front of him. He shivered and gasped and made noises that were screams and sobs at the same time.

_Kill me. _He didn't know if he had said it out loud or screamed it inside his head.

_Please, Maya, just kill me._

* * *

Maya's heart beat like the never-ending bang of a gavel. Her brain buzzed and she could feel the blood draining from her face and finger tips.

But that was nothing compared to the sight in front of her.

When she had arrived at Degrassi, she found Cam curled against the door, his eyes unfocused and his hands balled in to fists. When she had approached him, he had hardly glanced at her.

And when she'd touched his arm, he'd flinched like her touch was an electric shock. This hurt her more than she could have described. There were no words...no words at all.

But then something strange had happened to Cam that Maya didn't know how to deal with. He backed away from her and Maya could swear that for a split second, she saw some kind of forgiveness in his eyes. Some kind of understanding and trust.

But that look in his eyes had instantly turned in to a horrifying mix of terror, pain and a cry for help that Maya couldn't answer. And soon Cam's entire body turned pale and he fell to his knees. She instinctively ran to his side despite the horrible weight of her legs and she tried to look in to his face, to reach him and help him the best she could.

But he was so far gone. So, so far gone. He seemed to be choking on some invisible thing, but there were no tears, which somehow scared her even more.

This was so much different than the scene at the party. Cam was not panicking and crying. No. Now, it seemed as if Campbell Saunders was dying. Completely and utterly broken.

She held him for God only knows how long as shock was taking hold of her. Cam trembled and shivered like she had pulled him from an icy river. His skin was cold to touch.

And then he had said - so quietly, Maya might not have heard - five words.

"Please, Maya, just kill me."

And it was as if she would never breathe again.


	14. Darkness

The scene at Tristan and Owen's house was all Mike Dallas could think about for hours.

Sure, Dallas could be a major douche bag. He wasn't afraid to admit that.

But he was also a father.

Being a father made his brain grow some kind of compassion that he couldn't shake off, no matter how much teasing he would endure from the team if they ever found out. Caring wasn't really so bad, was it?

Dallas had asked himself that question for a long time as his team made him so conflicted on which personality type gained the most popularity. It always seemed to be the jerks and jackasses that ruled the school, and so that was what he leaned towards.

But not when someone comes to him for help. He didn't pretend he was some kind of heroic superman, but he wouldn't flat out ignore someone as intelligent and concerned as Maya Matlin when it came to the well-being of Campbell Saunders. The kid was totally messed up, and Dallas knew it from the moment he met him.

But he was also kind of like a brother to him. A little brother that needed someone to help him through high school, which he obviously couldn't handle very well by himself.

And so as he sat on the Torres couch in the Torres basement with the one and only Drew Torres playing video games beside him, he let the compassionate part of him take hold for once.

He was worried. Mike Dallas was really, truly worried. And that was something that even _he _couldn't really wrap his head around.

"Dude, are you okay?" Drew asked distractedly as he blew up a building on his game.

Dallas hadn't noticed that he was drumming his fingers on his knee. He stopped immediately and made a show of sagging in to the couch, relaxed. "Yeah, man."

Drew groaned disappointedly as his character died a rather gruesome death. He set his game controller down and took a swig of the root beer sitting on the coffee table.

"Well, you're pretty crappy company," Drew said as he set the can back down.

Dallas shrugged. "Just tired."

This answer seemed to satisfy Drew as he picked the controller back up and resumed his game.

Dallas' phone vibrated in his pocket. He didn't know how Maya had his number, but he was too distracted by the message on his screen to really think about it.

_At Degrassi. Need help. Urgent. - Maya_

Dallas' heart dropped. If she was texting him for help, than that means she couldn't turn to anyone else. And that meant that it wasn't about her.

That meant that it was about Cam.

* * *

Maya hadn't known what else to do. She couldn't call her Mom. She couldn't call Katie. Not Tori or Tristan or Zig. What help would they be? They wouldn't know what to do.

And Maya sure as hell didn't know what to do.

She was panicking. "Cam, we need to go home. We need to get out of here. There's nothing here for you."

She told him over and over that someone would find them here. People would ask questions.

But Cam was so completely out of it, Maya almost wanted to call an ambulance.

And so, with her still hammering heart, she texted Dallas, whose number she had stolen from Katie's phone when she had an obsession to collect all phone numbers of all students in Degrassi.

Cam was no longer screaming and sobbing. Tears were running down his face now, but he didn't wipe them away. He didn't seem to acknowledge them at all. He trembled even more than he had before, but now he sat against the brick wall at the bottom of the stairs, and Maya was scared to touch him again.

But he just looked so cold. And scared. And everything Maya didn't want him to be.

The words echoed around in her head. _Please, Maya, just kill me_. It surprised even herself that she hadn't just run away like a coward, away from this twisted boy.

But with a realization that almost caused her to jump in shock, she knew why she stayed with him. Why she slowly slid her hand across the pavement and let it squeeze his. Why her heart ached so badly at the sight of him. Why those five words made tears burn behind her eyes. Why she feared for someone other than herself.

She loved him.

She loved him so very much and she couldn't handle him asking her to...to kill him. To end it all for him-

"I'm sorry," Cam said.

It was a whisper. It was so soft, so full of a shuttering pain that Maya's heart flipped. But why was he saying it? He didn't do anything at all to deserve anything, and yet he blamed himself, and it almost made Maya angry. Why would he say something like that?

She turned her head to look at his face. He still didn't look at her. He squeezed his eyes shut and let more and more tears pour out of them without doing anything to stop them.

So many questions attacked her mind. Why was he shaking so bad? How could his skin be that white? Why did he look so defeated and deflated?

But her stream of questions were interrupted by Dallas, who was walking towards them across the parking lot. He seemed to catch sight of them, as he began jogging now. Maya was prepared for Cam to hate her forever for calling Dallas here.

But somehow, that didn't seem to matter.

* * *

Dallas saw Maya in the distance, and he could tell that there was someone else sitting there beside her. He had a pretty good idea who it was.

He began jogging toward them now. He didn't know why she had texted him or what he could possibly do, but he kept going. When he reached Maya, she was saying something to Cam, but he was shaking his head in a weird, faraway manner.

"Maya?" Dallas said, a little out of breath. He waited for some kind of explanation as he stared at Cam and noticed that something was so, so wrong with him. He started to feel a sick horror rising in his stomach.

"I didn't know who to call, Dallas," she said, her voice breaking. She looked as if she was trying not to cry. She was kneeling next to Cam, who didn't open his eyes - didn't even _flinch _- at the sound of Dallas' name.

"What the hell's wrong with him?" asked Dallas, wide-eyed and moving closer to Cam. He saw that the kid was shaking like a leaf and he looked sickly pale. Dallas crouched in front of him and without warning, Cam opened his eyes and grabbed Dallas' arm.

"I'm sorry," Cam said again, weakly, but louder than before. His voice shuttered when he spoke. Dallas didn't know what the hell he was saying it for, but he knew from the strength of Cam's grip on his arm that he meant it.

* * *

Cam could remember when his Mom had taken him to a doctor four years ago after his second panic attack.

He remembered the doctor telling him all the symptoms of an anxiety disorder. He remembered the man describing everything that could happen to Cam while "coping with this psychological disorder." He remembered the man saying how "common and harmless" it was. He remembered how scared he was.

And now as the cold completely took over his body and his grip on Dallas' arm fell limp, he remembered overhearing the doctor telling his Mom about how sometimes, Cam could lose consciousness in extreme cases.

Now, as his eyes went blurry and his head became lighter than air, he knew that that doctor was so right. So very, very right. Cam could feel himself fading to darkness. He absent-mindedly gripped Maya's arm to stop himself from falling, because he didn't want to go away. He deserved to _feel _it. To feel the pain. But he was so cold...so cold...

He heard Dallas yelling something before he was swallowed whole by some unwelcome darkness.


	15. Confusion

_Campbell was swimming. _

_"Bet you can't swim to the bottom," said his brother, Justin, flashing a pearly grin as he tread in the water before him._

"Betchou I can," said Cam, smiling straight back. He took a deep breath, looked around at the glistening blue pool around him and dove.

_The bottom was a lot farther than he thought, but he couldn't let his brother triumph now that he accepted the challenge. He swam and swam, his arms getting heavier and his lungs burning from the effort before he touched the smooth bottom. _

_And now he had to make it back to the surface, but that seemed almost twice as long as the first trip. The sun shined far, far above and he could hardly see the distorted image it made through the never ending sheet of water. His brother's legs still kicked above him and they looked impossibly distant. _

_But he swam anyways. He continued swimming until, 1 second before breaking the surface, his lungs couldn't take anymore. He took in a breath. His head appeared above the water, drenched and dripping and his nose filled with liquid. His spit and sputtered but the spout of water was endless. He coughed, but it burned...it burned so bad and he choked and coughed and- _

He gasped, trying to sit up but firm hands were pushing him down. His environment was too chaotic to take in, and he could have sworn he was drowning only seconds before. He still gasped, still tried to breathe air that he just couldn't seem to take in. He could feel his chest convulsing and contracting.

"Calm down, kid, it's alright," said a voice unfamiliar to him. He craned his neck, focused his eyes and began to be able to breathe properly again as he searched for a face. He was...where was he?

_What happened? What- _

"Campbell? Are you with us?" said the same unfamiliar voice. The guy's face appeared above him, but Cam was too distracted by the badge stitched to his shoulder.

Para...param...the words came in and out of focus like he was looking through a microscope. Words didn't make sense to him. Nothing made sense.

_Where am I? Maya? Where am I? _

"Did he hit his head?" said the man over top of him, his forehead creased with concern. Cam was confused, not knowing how to answer or who he was talking about, but then another voice answered for him.

"I told you, he didn't," said the voice forcefully.

_Dallas? Was that Dallas...?_

"Campbell, I'm gonna need you to let me know if you're alright," said the man. Paramedic. The badge read paramedic, and suddenly everything came in to place.

The tiny aluminum ceiling above him, the vibrations beneath him, the noises...he was in an ambulance.

He wanted badly to sit up, but hands kept restraining him and he was...he was so tired...

_Maya?_

* * *

Maya had begun to calm down just a little bit since the paramedic had refused to let her ride in the ambulance. She couldn't ride along, but _Dallas _could? _Dallas_?

_Too young_, the guy had said. _Where's your parents? Let me call them for you._

Maya had downright refused to let him call her parents, but he and his female partner were in a rush anyways, because...

Because Cam hadn't woken up. Maya and Dallas had sat staring at each other in horror for a full 5 minutes before finally calling an ambulance like they should have done in the damn _first place_. She was bombarded with questions that she could hardly remember now that she walked home from Degrassi. What else could she do? She wasn't going to chase after the ambulance, though she seriously considered it for a while there.

_What happened, miss? Did he hit his head? How long has he been out? What do you mean, you don't know? _

She didn't know how to answer those questions for the fact that she was absolutely chilled to the bone with fear as they rolled Cam in to the ambulance. What the hell? _What the hell? _

She didn't understand what had happened to him. He was upset, why did he...collapse? Was that the right word? It seemed so small, so unable to describe what had happened to Cam. He hadn't collapsed. He absolutely _crumpled _and became colder and colder by the minute.

_Why didn't you call an ambulance sooner? You idiot, you idiot, you stupid..._

The sky was a navy blue now. She guessed it must have been passed dinner time. Her parents would be worried out of their minds. Katie would be infuriated.

The calmness that Maya had begun to felt was fading back in to fear. _Could he die? _No, that was stupid. How could he possibly die from...what? What had happened? Maya's own mind was beginning to scare her, the way it was jumping to millions of conclusions all at once.

Tears were pooling in her eyes and her legs were turning to jelly once more. She doubled over in the middle of the sidewalk, hands on her knees as her throat made an odd sobbing noise. And again. And again.

And as she felt her hands on her knees and the tears in her eyes, she couldn't hold back the sobbing anymore. She cried so loud, a part of her worried someone would come out of their house to see.

_Stop it, Maya. Stop it. _But she couldn't stop. Her body was on automatic now. To keep her legs from collapsing, she began to run. She ran until her lungs burnt and the tears blurred her eyes, but she was finally home and she couldn't decide whether she wanted to be or not.

The house was lit up like a Christmas tree when she pushed open the door, knowing that she wouldn't be able to hide the awful sobbing that still wracked her body.

"Maya, what the hell? I called you like 5 times, Mom and Dad will be home any minute..." Katie's voice trailed off as she moved towards the entryway in which Maya stood, gasping for breath.

"Maya? Hey, hey...what is it? Maya?" Katie asked, her voice soft but panicked. She put her hands on Maya's shoulders and waited until she could speak. It didn't take long. Maya was spilling her guts, because somehow she just didn't care anymore. She needed to _talk_,like she could rid herself of the awful memories by forcing them out her mouth.

"Cam...he was so _angry _at me. So angry. But then he just...something happened to him and he just _fell apart_ and I didn't know what to do and we waited too long to call the ambulance...he's so _messed up_ and I don't understand...I try to understand, Katie but _I don't understand_...it's all my fault! It's all my fault!"

She buried her face in Katie's shoulder and sobbed some more, hysterical.

Neither of them said anything for a long, long time.

* * *

The rest of the ride in the ambulance was sketchy and jumbled in Cam's mind, but he remembered one thing quite clearly.

He remembered Dallas. He saw Dallas..._Mike Dallas_ sitting right there in the ambulance beside him, but he never looked Cam in the eye. His hand covered his face for most the ride as Cam lay there, silent and confused. Cam couldn't quite remember Dallas ever arriving to Degrassi.

Hell, he couldn't even remember arriving to Degrassi himself. But he wanted...he _needed _Maya. Where was Maya? He had to apologize because he had been the absolute douche bag to her that he promised never to become.

Why was he in the hospital?

Obviously it couldn't have been that bad. He was still in his own clothes, and he sat on an observation table instead of lying in a bed. He didn't feel particularly different except for an uncomfortable tightening of his lungs and the strange sensation of forgetting something. So why the hell was he still here? He needed to find Maya...

"Hey, Campbell," said a pretty female doctor who came walking in to the observation room with a clipboard and a juice box. She smiled calmly at him and handed him the juice. "You should drink that, remember?"

"Yeah. Thanks," said Cam distractedly.

"So, as you can see, there's no cause for alarm here. We're just..."

Her voice faded, drowned out by a jarring realization that just hit Cam full force. He had no idea...not one single shred of an idea how he got on this table. He must have made his way from the ambulance, in to the hospital and on to this table, right? He couldn't have been unconscious that entire time; otherwise they would have put him in a bed.

No, he definitely made his way on to this table of his own accord. So, what...

"...low blood sugar. We called your Mom, told her not to worry and that you should be free to go whenever you feel up to it."

Cam just stared at her with blank incomprehension. She was skimming over details like people usually did when they already had the same conversation before.

"Are you okay, hun?" she asked, looking back at him.

Cam's head was spinning with confusion. He squinted, as if that could ward off the pain.

"There was no sign of head trauma, and your friend said you didn't hit it on anything. It's normal to feel a little disoriented after passing out, so there's no need to worry. Is there something we should be double checking?"

Yes, he remembered the sudden blackness he felt back at Degrassi. He remembered Maya's fearful face. But he couldn't remember why. Low blood sugar? It couldn't have been that...not with the horrible tightness of his lungs that he felt now. But then he realized that he'd love nothing more than to get out of this hospital. He hated hospitals. So he accepted the fact that he was probably _a little disoriented_ and was escorted to the front desk where his billet Mom waited for him.

All the while feeling a horrible sadness in the pit of his empty stomach that he didn't understand.


End file.
